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June 29, 1998 - #40 1/2

Date: Sat, June 27, 1998 10:23:32
To: Mr. Mark Bakalor (mark@hijinks.com)
From: The Real A (real@sondheim.com)
Subject: your fershluganah site

I'm trying to go to our form to write the column, and yet I can't go to the form to write the column because I get that oh so tiresome icon which tells me "the SSS can't be reached right now or is too busy to use". Hence, I suppose I will have to write the column later. But I'm feeling funny now. I don't know if I'll be funny later. I might be feeling morose and despondent later and then what kind of column will I write? People will read it and KILL THEMSELVES and YOU will be responsible for the blood and carnage. Please let me know when it will be up and usable and I wil attempt to still be funny even though I may be morose and despondent because of the later hour.

I wrote that letter, dear readers, on Saturday morning. By Saturday afternoon I had received no reply, so I knew something heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) was afoot. Something not right was afoot. Something afoot was not amouth. There was evil in the air. There was the foul stench of something anose. And what that something ahand was was that the Stephen Sondheim Stage was not working! Yes, you heard it here, dear readers, the Stephen Sondheim Stage, so named after my close personal friend Mr. Stephen Sondheim, had simply ceased to exist. I could not access said site, nor could you, dear readers. I called Mr. Mark Bakalor on the telephone (yes, I have his actual home phone number!) and he confirmed to me the heinous (heinous, do you hear me?) news. The whole works were mucked up. Mucked up works, that was the problem. The works weren't working, they were, in fact, mucked up. And so, for the first time in forty count them forty weeks I was not able to write my column. O infamy! O horror! Mr. Mark Bakalor basically told me that the site would not be back up until Monday, and by then it would be too late for me to come up with a whole column in short order. Mr. Mark Bakalor was very frustrated by this situation. For you see, not only did Mr. Mark Bakalor have his Internet provider muck up his works, he also turned twenty-one this very weekend. He was so frustrated, in fact, that he ate a cheese slice, something he never does! He was so frustrated that he ate his entire birthday cake all by himself including the candles. So, now Mr. Mark Bakalor has not only had a birthday and mucked up works, he has also gained twenty pounds and has the waxy buildup.

So, I apologize that there will be no column this week. I also apologize that there was no trivia question last week, but in my haste to get to the airport, I plum forgot. Do you know what it's like to forget your plum? I hate that. However, next week I promise to write an extra special long column, because I have so much to tell you, dear readers. I have seen The X Files, I have seen Chicago (the musical not the city), I have heard the cast album of Saturday Night. All that and more (including the latest revelations from Miss Meryle Secrest's searing biography of me) come next Sunday evening. I missed you terribly, dear readers but we can now all breathe a collective sigh of relief now that the works are no longer mucked. Until Sunday night, have an absolutely beautiful week.

Send all comments and questions to me at real@sondheim.com or use the form below...

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Trivia answers, questions, comments...

Until next week, I am, as I ever was, and ever shall be...

Yours, yours, yours, yours, yours.

The Real A

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