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One From Column A...
by "The Real A"

December 29, 1998 - #66

Countdown to the New Year - Wednesday Night

How many of you are cheating and reading Wednesday's countdown on Tuesday? There is no hiding said cheating because Mr. Mark Bakalor and his handy dandy computer system knows who's reading what when. He is the Big Brother of this here column, and he is also the Big Mother who left this column out in the cold, high and dry, with a monkey wrench, in the lurch. There will be dire consequences for those caught cheating. Butt cheeks will be slapped roundly. And for those with square butt cheeks they will be slapped squarely. There is no escaping the all-knowing, all-seeing Mr. Mark Bakalor. Forwarned is forearmed or whatever the hell the saying is. If you can't stand the heat get out of the frying pan. That's one of my favorite sayings. The first time I heard that saying, I, of course, had to go stand in a frying pan immediately, to see if I could stand the heat. I couldn't, and got the hell out of that frying pan right then and there. Oh, wait a moment, I seem to be getting an e-mail. Let's see who it's from, shall we?

Date: Wed, Dec. 30, 1998 6:54:32
To: The Real A (
From: Stephen Sondheim (
Dear Real A:

I agree wholeheartedly with you about Mr. Mark Bakalor and his mucking up of the works. I feel you were so close to having a groundbreaking column and to see it scattered to the four winds is most annoying.

Don't let the fact that Mr. Mark Bakalor is a fly in the ointment get to you. I want to wish you and all your readers a Happy New Year. I won't be celebrating this year, as I am trying to finish writing Wise Guys before next New Year's Eve. I really wanted this to be a groundbreaking column because frankly this column could use a little pick-me-up. This is not a criticism, merely the truth as I see it from a prone position.


Well, wasn't that nice of Steve to commiserate with me on the lack of broken ground in this here column? Oh, I can't believe it. More e-mail. Let's see who it's from, shall we?

Date: Wed., Dec. 30, 1998 6:23:24
To: The Real A (
From: Myrna Fitz (

Dear The Real A:

I just had to drop you a line to tell you how much your support of Morty (Adolph) Gluckman and my father Herman Fitz has meant to me. You have singlehandedly revived interest in their work. Because of you, there is currently talk of a new revue of Gluckman and Fitz songs called Side By Side By Gluckman and Fitz Who Are Putting It Together. We are very excited by this. The producer (Menasha Feldstein) feels we can appeal to a wide crossection of the theatergoing public or at least to people named Berman. As a parting gift to you I enclose a song by my father and Morty (Adolph) Gluckman which is all about New Year's Eve. They wrote this song on New Year's Eve so it is even more special for that reason.

Music by Morty (Adolph) Gluckman
Words by Herman Fitz

Break out the kishka,
Serve the pastrami,
It's time to celebrate
It's New Year's Eve tonight!

Let's have some heartburn,
Let's let the gas fly,
It's time to celebrate,
It's New Year's Eve tonight!

We'll have some borscht,
We'll have some wine.
We'll make a stool
And then we'll be fine.

Here's to the past year,
It's not the last year,
No, there's a New Year shining bright...
New Year's day tomorrow,
New Year's Eve tonight!

Happy 1999 to you and your readers.

Mryna Fitz

Why, wasn't that sweet of Miss Fitz? Oh, I feel that next year is going to be a perfectly wonderful year, don't you, dear readers? Don't forget now, no cheating. Big Brother Is Watching You.

Click here on Thursday evening...

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Until next week, I am, as I ever was, and ever shall be...

Yours, yours, yours, yours, yours.

The Real A

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